No but seriously….

I was just thinking of the future traumatic event of child birth. Yes, it is a traumatic event in my mind. I know it will all be awesome at the end.. But leading up to that….. The horrible things…

My main thing is a catheter. If ANYBODY and I mean ANYBODY comes near me with a catheter I will kick them so far into the ground that satan throws them back up. I am not joking. I am not having one of those. I have given someone a catheter before. I know where that shit goes. It’s just not going to happen to me.

Another thing is the epidural. I do not want it. I will take whatever pain meds they offer to assist during labor… But I’m not taking the risk. I personally know someone who has problems with her back because of it. I already have enough problems with mine. Don’t need another. And I am not comfortable with practically being paralyzed for however long it lasts. I will have a panic attack if I can not feel my legs or feet and can’t move them.

Also… I want to research the odds of pooping on the table and perhaps even your baby. Because if there was somebody to have Taco Bell that morning and not make it to the bathroom before labor… It would be this girl right here. I really don’t want to poop on my kid, in front of the delivery team, or to be ‘that girl’.

When I have my baby… I am not inviting the whole freaking family and their plus one’s to witness the wonderful terror of my vagina ripping out. It will be me and my other half ONLY. I don’t want my mom in there staring at me, don’t want his mom in there staring at me, nobody’s granny, aunt, uncle, sister, brother or anything.
I’m not even going to let my best friend in there and believe me that is shocking because she is like my soulmate and completes me. My boyfriend isn’t allowed to look at my vagina either or he won’t be allowed in there. I have really strict rules about this because I am just not a very open and lay it all out there kind of person. I am verrrrrry private and verrrrrrry controlling over this situation.

I’m going to breast feed. Well… Breast pump- bottle feed. A mix of the two. I just think it’s better. I have also heard that it’s really hard for the first week or two.. But if you push through and stick to it then it becomes easier and doesn’t hurt anymore. I mean.. I’m sure it still hurts… It probably just becomes tolerable. (This statement excludes moms who are unable to produce breast milk–) but why wouldn’t you use the ABSOLUTELY FREE milk SPECIALLY FORMULATED for YOUR child? Why would you spend over 10$ a can in formula that doesn’t even contain all of the nutrients your breast milk does.

I’m going to be honest… I never wanted a baby. Atleast not right now… But I got one… And I am never going to live for myself ever again. I don’t matter anymore… My child does. I will raise it to be respectable, responsible, and smart in all aspects and give it the best life it could possibly have.

Anyway.. I’m done rambling for the night… I need to get to sleep! And I need to change the TV channel. Paid programming is stupid.


4 thoughts on “No but seriously….

  1. I am so worried about pooping during delivery. And puking because I’ve heard that’s common. I’m not even worried about the pain….just the poop. I’ve googled this waaaaay too much for somebody who doesn’t even know if she’s pregnant.


  2. The catheter was one of my most dreaded things. And you know what? I felt NOTHING. I ended up with a csection and I needed it. It was kinda great not needing to get up to pee every hour at night! And taking it out didn’t hurt at all. A pleasant surprise:)


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